Poems

50 Ways to Tell if You’re Hmong

NOTE: Some of the wordings might be disturbing for other viewers to comprehend.

  1. Your parents always think you’re lying about everything!
  2. Every New Year, your mom makes you wear Hmong clothes even though you refuse to.
  3. Your parents send you out of town because they think you’re bad. But then they send you to a town that is even worse then where you were living.
  4. The guys are obsessed with wearing T-shirts with dragons on them.
  5. When someone gives your mom some money, she keeps on refusing to take it when she now she really wants it.
  6. Your dad burps and smacks his lips when he eats at the dinner table.
  7. Your parents hate black people.
  8. The guys aren’t al that cute!
  9. The girls seem to go for Vietnamese guys (or any other Asian race except Hmong).
  10. Your mom’s hair is short and permed.
  11. You’re married at age 14.
  12. You like to watch Jet Li movies translated in Hmong.
  13. Your parents want you to get married, but hat it when you date.
  14. Your mom wants you to marry an old fart!
  15. Every guy/girl that calls you is automatically your boyfriend/girlfriend.
  16. Your parents never wanna admit that they’re wrong.
  17. If your mom ever called you a “mo dev.”
  18. Every time you get into an argument with your parents, they tell you to get out of the house. Then when you’re about to walk out the door, they tell you to come back in!
  19. You have a picture of General Vang Pao hanging in your living room.
  20. There’s a picture of your parents in black and white back in Laos.
  21. Your parents want you to marry a relative.
  22. You always get caught sneaking out.
  23. Your parents don’t like Vietnamese people because they can’t get over about the Vietnam War.
  24. Your parents can speak some Lao.
  25. The guys can do whatever they want, but the girls can’t.
  26. The guys are obsessed with Bruce Lee.
  27. The thug-looking girls hate the supposedly “preppy” girls for some weirdo reason!
  28. The thug guys are so dumb and ugly!
  29. The portraits hanging in yoru house are all lined in a single row.
  30. If you’re a non-Christian, there is paper money displayed on your wall.
  31. Your parents never trust you.
  32. Your mom and/or grandma doesn’t mind walking around the house without having a shirt or bra on.
  33. Your dad/uncle/brother like watching chicken fights.
  34. The boys get everything.
  35. At the New Years, you mom makes you ball toss with some 40 year old FOB.
  36. You have a chicken coup in your backyard.
  37. Your mom drives around a van (most likely a mini van).
  38. Your dad drives around a 4-runner or a truck.
  39. You eat boiled chicken for a month after having a baby.
  40. You kill your own cow/pig/chicken in your basement, garage or kitchen.
  41. There are a bunch of shoes on your front porch.
  42. Your house has at least 10 pairs of flip-flops.
  43. You’re invited to eat at someone’s house almost every weekend.
  44. Your parents always hate the person you’re dating.
  45. Your dad/uncle is having an affiar.
  46. The best looking guy/girl has the same last name as you.
  47. Your dad likes to eat the private parts of animals.
  48. If you have a brother or some male relative that is obsessed with betas.
  49. Your parents are either racist or can’t never stop talking about others outside of their community.
  50. You speak Hmong.

The above was a collection through the various e-mails I have printed out for references for a long while. Today, I just decided to finally document them all and get rid of the paper copies for good to be less cluttered.

About See Lo

I’m a freelance Web Designer and avid Blogger. My previous work has been published in Wisconsin Pages, Yahoo! Voices, Nubqub International, Asiance Magazine, Hmong Today, Hmong Is You Magazine, Teen Hmong, Future Hmong Magazine and eye.D Magazine. Several poems have been published in Paj Ntaub Voice, a literary arts journal and had the opportunity to work with published author Robert Danielak and Dr. Alicia Ghiragossian (poet-philospher) on the second edition of Alicia G: The Poet-Philosopher of the New Millennium.
View all posts by See Lo →

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