I am one of those silent types who is always listening and observing without interrupting. God gave me the gift of silence and patience. However, how do I deal with issues in my life if I don’t talk? I have been praying and hoping throughout my entire life before I came to Christ. I am no longer able to hold onto these past hurts and despair I carried within me anymore. I forgive those who has hurt me in the past and letting go of past hurts. And let me tell you my fellow brothers and sisters, forgiving those who has done wrong to you has lifted my spirits up and I am feeling pure joy by moving onto the next best thing. The next best thing is not being ashamed of worshiping the Lord and of my past failures, for it makes up whom I am.
There are certain things in my past that I am not proud of doing. Sins I have committed prior to coming to Christ. I am sure you have all done things in your past you are not so proud of yourself either. Don’t lie to me, because I have been there myself. It certainly doesn’t take a genius to figure things out. And you cannot hide from the Lord once you are dead, for you are face to face with the creator of all things and he will dissect you from the inside out and put you where you belong. When you die, you either go to heaven or hell. Your choice!
I asked God to forgive me for all my past sins. I actually got down on my knees while I still could (before my arthritis kicked in) and asked for his forgiveness. I don’t want to be ashamed while facing the Lord, our Heavenly Father.
Before I go on, I want to share a little bit of insight into the Hmong society. The Hmong has always believed in past traditions without any questions. They just do what they are told to do because the elders said so. They are crippled by their fear of their family IMAGE than the fear of God. How can they be afraid of their reputation over God? We are all sinners in the eyes of God and the only way to redeem ourselves is through Jesus Christ, our Savior.
I never questioned our traditions until I just had enough of the bullshit (forgive me of the negative language). I knew that if I looked online, there wasn’t going to be enough evidence into the insight of the Hmong culture regardless of the studies conducted by academic professors. And let me inform you, these research activities are just GUESSES (hypothesis) based on observations. Despite being Hmong myself, I am clueless into what goes on in the Hmong tradition and I don’t want to find out. I never once believed in the Hmong “calling of the spirits” or the traditions because I knew that the tradition was written by MAN and not GOD.
I always had this load of despair I carried on my shoulders because my parents always made me responsible for my younger sibling’s misdeeds. I love my family, every single one of them. Yet, I have this feeling inside my heart telling me that some of my family members are missing the big picture. They care too much on the family name than what’s really important, which is Love and Love is GOD. They don’t understand what love is for us because they don’t speak our love language (Click here for more information on the Five Languages of Love).
I kept on being silent because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings since I was afraid of how they would feel. Well, I now have the courage to share with everyone the truth. The truth hurts, but it helps us heal and learn to grow strong. Not weaker as some of my siblings might think otherwise.
However, keeping silence about psychological drama is not a good thing since it can actually kill (depress) you. I have been depressed for so long that I didn’t even know I was depressed, I have had several thoughts of suicide and wanting to get away from the family where they wouldn’t be able to find me. I have been hurting silently for so long because I don’t know how to deal with all these pent up anger and resentment I had inside of me. It sucked!
There really is no way of dealing with your issues unless you actually have someone that you can talk with, namely your pastor or a therapist. However, since I hate talking about my life and what stresses me out. I decided to write them down. I’m a writer, not a talker. I hate talking as a matter of fact, since there really isn’t there to talk about but my God.
I’m not going to beat about the bushes and pretend that my life was a fairytale. No one’s life is a fairytale. Here are the cold facts: love was never taught in my family, we weren’t normal nor did we have the typical American upbringing like everyone else in the world. I came from a huge family whose parents had limited English and those who still believe in the old traditional ways of life when they were still living in the high regions of Laos. We didn’t have much we were poor living on Ramon noodles, eggs, and hot dogs. That is the typical upbringing for us. And it saddens me that people forget the sacrifices our parents have made to give us the opportunity to LIVE.
I’m the second oldest daughter and my parents made me responsible over all my younger siblings because my oldest sister had married. I never had the luxury of being a normal kid. I was stuck between being a child-adult. I had to cook, clean, watch my younger siblings, go to school, do homework and help my mother translate, sometimes help her paperwork. No one ever took the time to see how I was feeling. I was depressed when I was a teenager and no one knew. I had assumed that it was normal to feel sad and depressed. I was hiding behind a smile this whole time and didn’t know it. I was pretending to be happy when I wasn’t. I was heartbroken.
I remember my nervous breakdown clear as day. I was in my bedroom one day and I cried where my tears fell down on my hands. I was sitting on my bed with the door locked. All my hurt, anger, my failure as a daughter and the obligations I had carried came crashing down on me all at once. I was hurt because my younger sister moved away to Milwaukee to continue her education. She never knew that her presence made me feel loved. I was hurt because my younger siblings were out of control and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I felt alone and no one knew. So I cried and cried until the point of exhaustion. I felt calmness over me as I lay down sleeping, like I was wrapped in a warm blanket of hope. When I woke up from my nap, I didn’t feel the despair I had felt. The pain I had didn’t exist anymore.
Ten years later as I came to know Christ, he was there for me when I needed him in that particular time in my life. He knew what I was feeling that day. So he wrapped me in his warm embrace and made my pain go away, he wiped away my tears. How else do you explain it? You can’t! Jesus Christ heard me. God heard me that day and wiped away my tears. God is truly amazing. He didn’t give up on me when I was losing my faith. He made sure I came back to him.
God has been there with me for so long that I was blinded by the devil who wanted to make sure I didn’t see him. God made sure I found my way back home again, to be right with him and find peace within my heart. I am thankful to God in every single way. He made me find my Christian family who I can fellowship with. I am thankful for my sisters who have always supported me, never giving up on my faith in God and helped me in every single way in life. I am thankful for my parents who made sure I grew up with some values in life, to know what is important and be responsible. I am thankful for my brothers for the little things they have done, even when they don’t realize how much they have hurt me the most. I am thankful to LIFT for being my sisters in Christ together.
Life is never easy. Regardless of my financial situation in life, I have faith in God to lead my life on where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do with my life. I am not strong enough, but with my Lord and Savior by my side, I can do just about anything. Regardless of my medical condition, I still battle with my sanity and use what God has given me to deliver his message.
May God bless you all who are reading this blog and have a great day. If you have ever felt this way before, you are not alone for God is with you. Ask him to forgive you, pray for your salvation and ask him to come into your heart.
Take a few moments to pray and then comment.
God loves you all!